Critical Comments Flow Freely from Parents
Do you make more positive comments or negative comments to your children? If you're like most parents, you make a lot more negative comments than positive ones. In her book, Building Moral Intelligence, Dr. Michele Borba writes "studies reveal that the average parent makes 18 critical comments to his child for every one positive comment."
Really? Could we really be making that many critical comments to our children? In their article, "Why Our Kids Are Out of Control", Azerrad and Change report "Glenn Latham, Ed.D., a family and educational consultant, has found that adults typically ignore 90 percent or more of the good things children do. Instead, they pay attention to children when they behave badly."
Sadly the research clearly indicates that parents easily fall into the habit of paying more attention to misbehavior than good behavior.
Getting Attention for Misbehavior
Whenever you find yourself yelling at your kids or nagging them, you're focusing on the behavior you don't want. Statements like these focus on children's misbehavior:
- "Stop whining!"
- "Don't look at me that way."
- "You're wasting time - now get going on your homework."
- "Quit your fighting!"
- "Don't lie to me."
By giving attention to misbehavior, we actually increase the chance that the misbehavior will be repeated. This isn't what we want!
One example comes from a mom in one of my parenting classes who was complaining about how her 2-year-old son was driving her crazy with his screaming. Whenever he was frustrated, he would scream at the top of his lungs. Typically she would stop whatever she was working on, go find him and help him resolve the problem. She found it especially irritating when she was busy preparing dinner and he kept interrupting her with his screaming.
After reflecting on the situation, she realized the attention she was giving him for his screaming was actually encouraging him to do it more often. This was the opposite of what she wanted! Her new plan was to periodically go find him when he wasn't screaming and compliment him on his behavior. She also decided to ignore his screams of frustration. This new approach worked far better!
Paying Attention to Good Behavior
Since paying attention to our children's good behavior doesn't seem to come naturally to most of us, it's going to take effort to do this. We need to specifically watch for our children to behave well and then acknowledge it.
There are many ways to reward good behavior:
- A light touch on the shoulder, a quick back rub
- A smile, hug or kiss
- Saying "Thank you."
- Kind words, words of encouragement
Statements like these acknowledge children's good behavior:
- "I noticed that you put away the puzzle after you were done playing with it. That was great."
- "I heard you practicing your trumpet. It's really sounding good."
- "I appreciated how you held my hand when we crossed that busy street."
- "Thanks for helping set the table."
- "I love how well you're sharing the markers."
By pointing out our children's good behavior, we will be encouraging their appropriate behavior while filling our homes with more positive energy. This is just what we want!
Give Attention to Behaviors You Want to Increase
Children crave attention and when they can't get positive attention they will go for negative attention. Our job is to make sure we're giving them so much positive attention that they don't need to misbehave to get attention!
About the Author
Kathy Slattengren is an internationally recognized parenting educator and founder of Priceless Parenting, http://www.PricelessParenting.com. Priceless Parenting provides online parenting classes, parenting presentations and parent coaching.
You Can Do This (2): An Approach to Raising Wonderful Children
|
|
Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach $15.00 Transforming the Difficult Child brings to life a new way of shifting intense children to a solid life of success. The Nurtured Heart Approach puts a refreshing spin on both parenting and teaching and reveals new techniques and strategies that create thoroughly positive behaviors. This is the newly updated 2008 revision.... |
|
|
Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication $7.91 Over the past thirty-five years, Between Parent and Child has helped millions of parents around the world strengthen their relationships with their children. Written by renowned psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott, this revolutionary book offered a straightforward prescription for empathetic yet disciplined child rearing and introduced new communication techniques that would change the way parents spoke ... |
|
|
How To Raise An Amazing Child the Montessori Way $11.47 A practical parenting program to help build a calm and happy home life with your child, from birth through age six. Based on Montessori school methods that inspired Google founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page Packed with creative activities to help children discover more about their world - as well as foster independence, concentration, and respect for others... |
|
|
The Everything Parent`s Guide to Positive Discipline (Paperback) $12.32 A child talks back to her mother.A teenager starts slamming doors and giving dirty looks.A naughty toddler seems to enjoy the negative response he gets from his exhausted parents.When misbehaviors begin, they can quickly escalate into... |
|
|
Solution-focused Rti (Paperback) $21.87 A proven method for helping struggling students succeed Solution-Focused RTI provides an effective approach to Response-to-Intervention using a "solution-focused" method, which emphasizes a student`s strengths rather than his or her... |
|
|
Teaching With Love and Logic $11.93 Jim Fay and David Funk`s truly positive approach and time-tested ideas and strategies will empower teachers to effectively manag |
|
|
Parenting With a Purpose $4.9 Challenges parents to view parenting through the Developmental Asset framework, highlighting how the assets can reshape major parenting tasks and suggesting ways parents can find support in their community. |
|
|
Positive Discipline in the Classroom (Paperback) $10.9 The Acclaimed Bestseller That Can Improve Your Classroom Experience Forever!Over the years, millions of parents have come to trust the classic Positive Discipline series for its consistent, commmonsense approach to child rearing. Hund... |
|
|
The Magic of Positive Parenting: How to Raise Great Kids $23.07 Parenting great kids doesn't happen by accident, and with the proper training, anyone can raise positive, motivated children.... |
|
|
Happy Chaos: From Punky to Parenting and My Perfectly Imperfect Adventures In Between $24.49 Enthusiastic, spunky, and positive, Punky Brewster was the quintessential eighties kid.... |
|
|
Ten Keys to Successful Parenting $7 This teaching will give you a simple guide to effective parenting.... |
|
|
Poster,Think Positive,Ast $12.99 POSTER,THINK POSITIVE,AST |
|
|
Parenting School Years $20 Parenting School Years is the newest resource for moms of school–age kids! The day your child steps onto the kindergarten bus, your life—and your child's—is forever changed. Parenting School Years is the first magazine to focus on the everyday needs and interests of moms with older children. We help you tackle the newest challenges and day-to-day issues you’ll face as your children grow. 20 issues for $20.00 |
|
|
Spiritual Parenting: An Awakening for Today's Families $15.39 In Spiritual Parenting parents learn to create a home environment that God can use to work in their children's lives.... |
|
|
Parenting Flashcards by Knock Knock $9.49 Child rearing has a language all its own, and mastering parenting vocabulary can be a daunting task. If you or someone you know is new to the baby scene, it?s likely you?re perplexed by concepts such as co-sleeping, playdates, and poo finger. With the humor and classic educational techniques of Parenting Flashcards, you?ll learn to speak parent in no time!Features: • Made of Paper • 50 cards; One Parenting term per card • Perfect gift for newbie parents and seasoned pros alike • Includes how-to game instructions • Color: Multi. Green/White packagingSize: 5"tall x 3 3/4"wide x 1"deep (box) |
|
|
Positive Pregnancy with Andrew Johnson $11.21 This recording has been designed to help expectant mothers become deeply relaxed and to focus on a positive and successful pregnancy.... |
|
|
Perfect Positive Thinking $11.34 Perfect Positive Thinking is essential reading for anyone who wants to feel optimistic and enthusiastic.... |
|
|
Conflict Resolution: Let It Be as You Say & Building Bridges Together $3.49 Conflict Resolution builds on positive approaches to support other people and build bridges to reach a satisfactory solution for all parties.... |
|
|
Think Positive $3.99 By Willy Wonka and Leslie Bricusse. For easy piano. Children; Film/TV; Musical/Show. 4 pages. Published by Hal Leonard - Digital Sheet Music |
|
|
What the Bible Says About Positive Living $6.99 What does the Bible say about positive living? This brand-new audiobook provides a concise, easy-to-listen-to resource on the biblical teachings of positive living.... |
|
|
Parenting Based on the Developmental Progression of Preterm Infants, English $36.17 Parenting Based on the Developmental Progression of Preterm Infants is a booklet designed to help parents participate in the care of their baby. The evidence-based booklet was written by medical staff at the University of Southern Mississippi and Forrest General Hospital to assist the family during the baby's hospitalization. The easy-to-read guide is organized into six sections by gestational age. Each section describes general development, goals and ways to actively parent a baby through age appropriate touching and holding, feeding, sleeping, positioning, diapering and bathing.Parenting Based on the Developmental Progression of Preterm Infants is available for individual family use, and in laminated copies which can be hung at each bedside and reused. This booklet is also an excellent resource for NICU staff members to help with parent education. It will help the family to gain confidence and increase their understanding of their baby at every stage of development. A complete bibliography is included with every copy. |
|
|
Parenting Based on the Developmental Progression of Preterm Infants, Spanish $36.17 Parenting Based on the Developmental Progression of Preterm Infants is a booklet designed to help parents participate in the care of their baby. The evidence-based booklet was written by medical staff at the University of Southern Mississippi and Forrest General Hospital to assist the family during the baby's hospitalization. The easy-to-read guide is organized into six sections by gestational age. Each section describes general development, goals and ways to actively parent a baby through age appropriate touching and holding, feeding, sleeping, positioning, diapering and bathing.Parenting Based on the Developmental Progression of Preterm Infants is available for individual family use, and in laminated copies which can be hung at each bedside and reused. This booklet is also an excellent resource for NICU staff members to help with parent education. It will help the family to gain confidence and increase their understanding of their baby at every stage of development. A complete bibliography is included with every copy. |
|
|
Motivation Method Stress Management with Positive Motivation $17.66 Motivation Method Stress Management with Positive Motivation is a complete system to manage your stress and regain your motivation.... |
|
|
Mom Parenting Easy - Amy Smyth Made It - Birthday Card for Her $2.99 Let Mom know what a pro she is with a Birthday Card for Her that celebrates her incredible parenting skills. Decorated with a vibrant pink background and cute flags containing your message, it's a funny and sweet card she'll be proud to receive. 5" x 7" Folded Card |
|
|
Dad Parenting Techniques - Amy Smyth Made It - Birthday Card for Him $2.99 Make your Dad's day with a Birthday Card for Him that shows just how effective his parenting techniques were. With a funny message and decorated with a modern lamppost, it's a hysterical card that will make his birthday even better. 5" x 7" Folded Card |
|
|
Intentional Parenting: Family Discipleship by Design $6.99 There are literally thousands of books available on how to live various aspects of the Christian life.... |
|
|
Bioelements Moisture Positive Cleanser $32 For Dry Skin Emollient cleansing lotion that gently cleans skin without stripping natural oils. • Emollient lotion cleanser with a mild foaming action • Contains healing Bioelements Adaptogens and aromatherapist oils • Gently cleanses skin leaving it hydrated, radiant and refreshed No artificial colorants, synthetic fragrance or animal by-products. Not tested on animals. GINSENG, SUMAC, GOTU KOLA, DONG QUAI, WATERCRESS: Bioelements Adaptogens - Support and strengthen the skin, helping it withstand stress. SANDALWOOD OIL: Healing, soothing CLARY SAGE OIL: Calming, soothing GERANUIM OIL: Astringent, regenerating ROSEMARY OIL: Antiseptic, balancing, rejuvenating LAVENDER OIL: Antiseptic, healing Directions: Apply 2 pumps to wet skin and massage over face using the Bioelements sponge or your hands. Rinse. Follow with a spritz of Equalizer. Net Weight: 6 oz. Ingredients: Water (aqua) (Eau), Neopentyl Glycol Dicaprylate/Dicaprate, Stearic Acid, Sorbitol, Polysorbate 80, Cetyl Alcohol, Tridecyl Stearate, Glyceryl Stearate, Santalum Album (sandalwood) Oil, Salvia Sclarea (clary sage) Oil, Pelargonium Graveolens (geranium) Oil, Rosemarinus Officinalis (rosemary) Oil, Lavendula Angustifolia (lavender) Oil, Caprylic/Capric Triglyceride, Panax Ginseng (ginseng) Root Extract, Centella Asiatica (gotu kola) Extract, Angelica Polymorpha Sinensis (dong quai) Root Extract, Nasturtium Officinale (watercress) Extract, Rhus Glabra (sumac) Extract, Tridecyl Trimellitate, Butylene Glycol, Ethylhexylglycerin, Phenoxyethanol, Potassium Sorbate, Sorbic Acid, Potassium Hydroxide, Disodium EDTA, Methylisothiazolinone. |
|
|
15 Minutes on Positive Thinking $7.87 Have you ever caught yourself trapped in a pattern of negative thinking.... |